Had to run errands tonight and passed about 5 of my favorite liquor stores. There's a ton of liquor stores in this town. Still feeling stressed, still trying to stop the rumination. Thought about stopping at every one of those liquor stores. But something short circuited the planning and that's mainly:

A – An old adage I thought of a long time ago even before I quit, something I thought of during a 'should I shouldn't I' conversation with myself. Well, I've never regretted a morning where I woke up and didn't get alcohol but I've regretted plenty of mornings when I did.

B – I just don't want to go back to how I was. I know I feel quite awful right now. Part of me is reveling in it. Yay I feel awful! But a beer may end the rumination, I guess I feel that it would be cheating. A beer would end the rumination but it wouldn't fix the cause. The cause is that I have a big stupid mouth and say the wrong things against all my attempts not to. The cause is that I can't let go of mistakes and redirect my attention elsewhere. And….

C – There's a phenomenon with drinking. It causes a person to crave social interaction. I know this is counterindicated for sobriety but I've put a lot of distance between me and the rest of the world. I've even gotten to the point where I don't even look at facebook very often. I've gotten to the point where isolation is just starting to become solitude and I'm wanting to be alone more and more instead of just feeling like I'm forced to be alone. A beer would ruin all that because I'd likely reach out and be all fun and friendly, and I know there's people who would have a fair weather conversation and miss the occassional fun distraction I used to bring to them. Then they'll be wanting me to do it again.

D – A non alcoholic wouldn't spend their evenings over the course of days trying to carefully plan a beer a night into their lifestyle. OK self, why don't you just be honest, that what you really want to do is drown and poison that brain for a little while so I can sit here and be stupid and listen to songs and feel like everythings OK. Yes, all other sides of my being are unanimous that we'd all be very happy to see brain gagged and beaten to unconciousness and give us a break for a little while.

There it's decided then. I would much rather be uncomfortable tonight then be lulled into an untrustworthy sense of comfort.

1 Comment
  1. NewYorker8291 10 years ago

    Keep fighting the urges as best you can. You matter regardless of what others or yourself think or say. Each moment is a new moment for reinventing yourself, a time to change in positive ways. It saddens me to see that you're isolating yourself. As you know it can be very dangerous. Not everyone you come across is ingenuine. We all have our baggage but it's how we react to adversity that builds our breaks character. Character can be rebuilt so if anyone else says different then they don't understand how life as a whole works. I don't know if you follow any religion but I'm a Christian and I was wondering if you'd mind me praying for you. I find prayer to be pretty effective with patience. I hope today is a better day for you and you're self-image. As I said you matter and your life isn't defined by our mistakes. Stay strong and God bless.Blair

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