I have the urge to take a step and end my life.
I still don't know what's keeping me here. Perhaps the pain that I will cause my mom or the fact that my little brother will never get to see his big sister grow up. I know my dad will die on the inside, but he will still continue to work even thogh nothing will ever be the same. My sister, she will stop functioning and be thrown into a deep depression.
I never really thought how my family would react if I were to perish. I have been selfish all these years and I have never considered this before.
But sometimes it's hard to wake up in the mornings and find the will to open my eyes so I can resume a life that has no direction. I said this many times and I will say it again because it is all I can think about right now. I envy those people who have their lives figure out. I envy those who have it so easy and the ones who have never known the dark side of life. I envy those ignorant people, I truly do because they don't know how cruel the world can be. I envy them becuase even in ther ignorance they are happy and I can't feel that happiness. Instead, I feel so lost right now that it's hard for me to accept that there is this emptiness inside of me.
Perhaps I am full of bitterness and resintment towards life, but I just hate how life is full of injustices. When I go to school, the majority of the students can only think about materialistic things and everything that they own like their new cars is because their parents bought them all those stuff. Two people that I work with are both in the same grade that I am, but they live and go to school in the part of town were their distric is one of the wealthiest. Those two guys when they work, you can clearly see that they don't need the money because they don't try hard or put a lot of effort in their work. They only got hired because my boss' son is good friends with them. I think what really irks me is the fact that they were handed all those things to them without knowing what is it like to work hard for something. One time, I was working with one of them and I asked him if he was going to spend his tip money on gas. However, he said his parents pay for his gas. I don't understand why he is working if he clearly doesn't need the money.
My point is that some people just don't know how to appriciate what they have or what is it like to not have all thiose things handed to them. It's what really depressess me and makes me question if I really want to belong to this society. Either way, if I stay is because perhaps there is hope inside of me. Maybe is small, but I think that's what get me through the day and reminds me that not everything is lost.