Well, the appointment on Tuesday went well. She wasn't as bitchy as I thought she'd be but wasn't as receptive as I'd hoped. We got to hear the baby's heartbeat (sounded like 150bpm, fast!) so that was good. She goes in again on the 25th for an ultrasound so hopefully I'll have a new pic of our baby 🙂 That's the good news.

Now the bad news – It seems it really is over, and she blames it on my negative attitude and some things Isaid during that time. For whatever reason she wants to base our future and that of our child on 1 good month and 1 bad month. I told her that 2 months isn't enough time to base the future on, especially when that first month was the happiest she's ever been and that's my normal. I said you won't find another person who cares for you and our baby oris more committed to making this work than me, but I don't think she cared. When I told her I was afraid she's going to take me for every penny she can, keep me away from my child as much as possible, and tell them how much of an asshole I am she replied that she's not her mother and that she did that to her when she was growing up. She also said there you go being negative again. I said when you don't talk to me or include me in anything what else am I supposed to think but assume the worst?

I still have a faint glowing ash of hope things will work out in time by us seeing each other at the appointments and I keep trying to make her see how I have changed, but I'm not sitting around waiting for an absolution that may never come. My grandparents have a lawyer they've used at least since 1998 when my mom passed away and they wanted her autopsy and medical record reviewed for any possible malpractice since she had just turned 37. He and his partner work in family law, among other areas. They offer free consultations so I'm going to talk to them about what the situation is, what I'm hoping for, what I know of her past and possibly present, and see if they think there is enough to go on for making a case to get my child out of that environment and into mycustody. Since I never went to the police before with the information I know I want to make sure I won't be screwing myself over by trying to protect my child and her from herself. She's putting me in this position by her lack of communication with me and refusing to at least attempt to work things out.

I'm slowly making progress. I now have thename of 1 or 2 lawyers that should be able to help me, and the name and number of a Drug Enforcement Officer I can contact. I wish it hadn't come to this.