I miss my Mum MJ terribly 5 years prior to her passing she was diagnosed with dementia. I never knew what dementia was or how severely it can impact on somebody’s life. My Mum was stripped of everything from being able to cook to being able to potter around the garden to reading or simply enjoy her favourite series scarlet and gone with the wind. On August 2015 31st at 10:43 she squeezed my hand and took her last breath before passing away. she had a fall in the resthome and broke her hip she died 5 months after turning 72.

I’m surrounded by pictures of her however it’s still not the same as confiding in her like i always would. she understood my anxiety eating disorder and ocd better than any body else. i now live with my dad whom also misses his wife and companion of over 50 years. i find it tough communicating with him. last year i was assessed by a psychiatrist whom stated i was majorly depressed. I did seek a counsellor whom helped a little talking about my Mum and what sort of person she was. but they were limited in what skills they had to offer. and i soon decided that they were not skilled enough to handle my depression or ocd condition. i haven’t seen a thearpist for over 18 months i lied to my dr saying i was still going to this clinic but feel she won’t understand that they don’t know what they are doing when it comes to handling somebody with all my diagnosis. i used to see a psychothearpist whom was very good but then funding was stopped and i had to stop seeing them. i had been under that psychothearpist for at least 6 years and was making improvements admittetly slow but still moving forward. its been 23.5 years since i was able to work. i’m scared of working i hated my last job i worked as a insurance claims clerk the bosses did not respect me nor did they appreciate the time and energy i put into the work. i wlorked long hours ofte sacrificing my only love in life besides my family goju ryu karate do. i was a ni dan balckbelt and quickly moving up through the ranks before being hit by a truck whilst cycling and disabling my back with a spinal strain and chronic back pain which resulted in me at 1st being very angry then breaking down nd recognising going back to karate was out of the question made more difficult by anxiety and ocd caused by the truamatic accident. we in nz have what s called ACC or accident compnsation corporation and they pay 80 % of what you earned 30 hours of your original job. my job was not high paying i did lots of overtime still was not earning very much. in november of 1995 i resigned from my job i did not particularly want to go back there the bosses still treated like shit so i was glad to leave the job and them. in 1996 i decided to go to university studying a BSC majoring in statistics and computer science. in june 1996 i passed my exams but found myselg going backwards feeling very angry at the world i failed all subjects in teh 2nd semester went back the following semseter and resat one subject whilst i was bulimic and anorixic i passed witha  b+. but then ocd got so bad i with drew altogther and ocd and panic dsiorder became severe. Now 23 years later i’m on a lot of medication which don’t leave me with much energy i sleep  quite a bit would still love to go back to university but dunno how to get there. they no longer have student carparking they have put a motorway in instead. and ACC don’t like me since i won cover for the accident causing trauma and the bulimia and ocd. so i try to stay out of their way and keep it so they stay out of mine. last time i told my dr counsellor was no good she did not listen to me and insisted that they are trained counsellors to me that does not mean they are capable of dealing with somebody like me with depression and severe ocd. i said to my dr that if i got a terminal illness i would celebrate. and every time i say the counsellors at this clinic are no good she insists on applying to ACC. ACC don’t do long term and they are not user freindly. so i choose to lie to my dr and tell her i’m still seeing somebody. but i’m not! i’m afarid of when my dad passes on what will happen to me as i don’t have any freinds and find it difficult to trust people. i auckland there is a housing shortage and i still have no idea even how to go about looking for somewhere else to live. ive always lived at home. i used to talk about anythinga nd everything to my MUm. But as she is gone i’m at a loss. i hate the fact i’m reliant on many mediactions which are zisprisadone 60mg twice daily citalopram 20 mg clonazepam 3mg seroquel 125mg and my 3 differnt bowel meds due to constipation and pain killers which don’t do much for my back pain. anti inflammitries don’t work as my back in jury is not inflamed its a msucular chronic strain injury. i guess the othr point at moving out is the fact i don’t know auckland very well at all. spending long periods in teh bathroom ive lost my sense of direction and don’t have much confidence. i’m supposed to be on 40 mg citaopram but it causes impotence and i don’t like its side effects. psychiatrists here only offer advice on meds not counselling for anything else like my old psychiatrist used to before he buggered off back to scotland without notice.