I am so angry..
it's beyond words… I feel as if my insides are on fire!

I broke up with my boyfriend monday as a result of us just not working, i was a very big cause of that. But what causes me to act THAT way, is my mother.

And NO i am NOT pointing the blame to someone else, I am taking responsibilities for my own actions.
She herself was victimised as child, her mother physically and mentally abused her. Did she get help? No.
She struggeled. She was scared. And as a result of that, she has always placed herself into the victim role.. even if she is abusing someone else, ie: me, my brother or her partner.
She has to say something, to make that person say something and then she see's herself as being the victim, she is her own worst enemy.

And the worst part is, she wont ever CHANGE!
She taught me her ways, I was playing the victim.. never making decisions… always thinking someone was to blame.. ie my ex boyfriend… He CARED FOR ME! and i believe that he didn't. I had it in my head that he wasnt showing me the love i was after… When in fact he was… I was just ignoring it because that would mean i wasnt the victim anymore.
The sadest part is that my friends noticed.. they noticed how much more like her i was becoming! They saw me losing myself…
I was the only one who didnt even notice…
My counsellor says this happens before a big change… you have a realisation…
The only thing i want, is for my mother to change. For her to realise… but she's comfortable where she is…not happy unless she's unhappy… which is just about the most screwed up thing i have ever heard…
It makes me want to scream…

I have been suggested to distance myself… physically and emotionally.. so i can find out who I am… become someone else other than her!
it's just not fair… She will never change.. and as a result of that.. my brother will have to go through the same thing.. but because of his autisim.. he wont be able to distinguish that the way he is being treated is wrong….I feel ridiculous saying all of this.. for the first time in my life.. i am actually AGAINST my mother.. and i dont know if any of you will understand how much of a big deal that actually is..
Its not out of rebellion… its for the first time… I dont want to be like her… I know what she is doing to people… what she has taught me to do… is wrong… so very wrong, and i will NEVER ever want anyone to have to feel the way i felt growing up around her.. but i nearly did… with Dan.
I cried so hard when he told me he didnt feel comfortable talking to me due to my moods and how i would get angry with him for the things he had to say…
I can't believe I was like that.
It is time.. to get my life in order… To do the things i've always been scared to do…
Not anymore. I will NOT be the victim AGAIN.

1 Comment
  1. triggered 11 years ago

    Just knowing that there is a problem is pretty cool and I hope you take credit for trying to fix it. Break that chain of dysfunction, Boogels! We\'re rooting for you!

    0 kudos

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