This week has been really tough to bear. I failed my theoretical driving test, and even if I know I have a second chance to have it before paying again, I'm pretty scared. If I felt like it was my fault, and not the fault of OCD, I would accept it better, but I can't help wondering if my failure is due to OCD or not… However I was pretty "relaxed" during the exam, or at least I felt like I was able to think without the OCD thoughts interfering too much. But I think too much, and that's why I didn't get it I think. Because I'm always worried about not understanding the questions enough, and that's why I made mistakes I believe; instead of following my intuition, I'm like thinking too hard to choose the right answer, while I know what it is… So because all of this costs a lot of money, I'm scared that I'm not going to pass it the second time, especially because my parents pay the thing. And I feel stupid and dumb because it's been months since I started learning these theoretical lessons, but it feels like I don't take in as much as I would if I didn't have OCD. I'm so worried to lose my wit and "intelligence" that I feel like I do! I'm so worried that OCD is going to make me fail and to make me lose my control that I'm always extremely nervous when I'm doing another serie of questions… I feel like I'm not myself, and that people think I'm dumb when it's not the case. I don't even want to return to the driving school because I feel ashamed and I'm pretty sure they think I'm not intelligent enough to do this whereas it's OCD that's taking over me sometimes … my mom has been supporting me through anything and keeps telling me that I'm going to pass that exam, and that it's not the end of the world at all, but I can't help being worried. I know they are some worse stuff in life, but as always I'm not confident in myself and I hate myself. Damn. I hate not being OCD-free, at least for a day. I hate not being able to do oral presentations, because I'm too scared that my OCD is going to make me lose my mind and to make me lose my concentration. I hate being worried before exams because I know that my OCD is going to get worse during them, with the damn little voice "you're a bad person, you did something very wrong and you know that" etc. I hate realizing that I can't talk in public because I'm too afraid that my OCD is going to make me lose my words. I hate that even when I talk to people, I have to really think about what I'm saying because I feel like I'm going to say rubbish stuff (thanks OCD). I'm tired to be afraid of not understanding things, scared that I'm not going to understand what the teacher is saying, scared that I'm not going to progress in English etc. I hate feeling like I'm not myself, and that I'm losing my future, the "talents" I have, my wit, my intelligence.

At the same time, I refuse to sink. I refuse to let OCD taking over my life and to let that thing controlling me. I refuse to be weak. But sometimes, I'm not even sure that I'm gonna get through this. They are some days when all I want is to die, like really. But then I realize that I can't do this. I can't do this without fighting first. Of course I've been fighting for years now, but I feel like I'm going to miss out on something if I give up now, you know? So I suffer like crazy, and I hate the fact that I'm faking a smile everyday, pretending I'm okay to not worry my family or my friends, I hate the fact that nobody knows how much I suffer, but I do it anyway. I go to school. I study. I try to distract myself with the thoughts, I smile and talk with my friends, sometimes I have fun. I realized also that OCD helps me to put things into perspective. Yesterday after class, a friend of mine offered me to take me home because she had a car. Unfortunately, we had a test that morning and she was scared to be late, and because it was an old car, she didn't realize that she had forgot to turn off her lights, plus it was daylight. So she had no more battery. And I realized that I didn't panic for that stuff anymore. There was a time where I would have been super worried, angry at the idea of wasting one hour on a parking lot, waiting for my parents to pick me up. But no. I was not even annoyed. I was like, cheerful, really. I reassured my friend, who was freaking out, because OCD made me realize that there was more serious stuff than that. I called my brother who had cables and helped us to recharge the battery of the car. We waited alone one hour at 7:30 pm. Some people tried to help us by pushing the car but the battery was too dead to have any hope. I stayed positive and I didn't get upset. Then my brother and her girlfriend came, and my friend was able to restart the car and she took me home. I was pleasantly surprised to see that my disease helped me to stay positive, by realizing that some bad or annoying things could turn into great experiences.

I'm kind of depressed, but I'm used to it. I refuse to commit suicide. But at the same time, I feel like I'm wasting so much time, when life is so short. And that's what frustrates me, because I feel like my life is slowly passing me by, with me doing nothing but contemplate. And what's almost funny is that the most I get frustrated with all of that, the more the thoughts get stuck in my head and don't leave me alone. So I'm always worried. I can't stand doing mistakes and screwing up. I'm always scared that I've done something bad, or illegal. They are some days when I feel like I'm losing my mind and that I have to go see the police. I always feel guilt for everything I do. I'm always scared that this is it, that this time I've done something unforgivable and illegal and that I might go to jail for that. I'm so scared. But I try to keep going no matter what. I read some inspiring quotes that convince me that I need to continue. Because I can't let OCD win, I can't give up, because I want to have a successful career. I want to complete my studies. I want to have my double degree. I want to get married and have children, and learn some new stuff, and live, and laugh. I love life, deep down, even if these past few months, I've been hating everything. I'm still a kid. I'm nineteen years old. I've had OCD since I've been fourteen and I've always been an anxious person, and ever since, I went through very dark periods. But I want to continue, no matter what. This can't be over. I don't want this to be over. I can count on my mother who is certain that I'm gonna get through this; she doesn't have OCD but I explained her how it worked briefly, she doesn't really understand how come I have this but she's willing to support me through everything and that's the most important thing I guess. She also told me she was certain that I will get over this because I took the decision to see a psychiatrist and to do something instead of believing that things couldn't get better. My dad had symmetry OCD and went through paranoia and very serious depression, he got better but he still is a very anxious person and has to take tons of meds everyday to be able to live normally. It's sad, but I don't want to end like him. So I'm quite suspicious about them. I don't take any medicine, and my therapist gave me the choice to take them, telling me that they would help me eventually, but that he wouldn't prescribe me some if I didn't agree. So I try to get through this by myself, and to at least have this pride of managing things on my own. So well … I try to not be discouraged. Because "it takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart".

So I don't know if that message was optimist or pessimistic… I just love writing, even if English is not my native language. And well I need to write, to get better, it really helps me, I think. Sorry if that was long. You don't even have to read what I write. It's just … therapeutic for me, in a way. I hope everybody is holding on today. Keep fighting and stay strong, all of you. You can do it.