Here goes another sleepless nights… I am tired of staying up all night watching TV and blogging, well hope I will be able to sleep for a little bit today. When I dont sleep like this I think about some really weird stuff (mostly I fantasize about killing myself) like i just started thinking about that there is a certain charm to remaining anonymous.  Anonymity allows one to speak their mind, knowing that no one they know will be around to judge their every move.  Anonymity allows for a person to truly feel like a mess inside and not have to apologize or pretend that everything is okay on the outside.

It is about “free therapy”.  You know, the kind where you can just lay it out on the table and not care.  The kind where people don’t try to sympathize with you.  Because you know if they sympathize you might just give in to the sympathy and allow yourself to wallow for awhile.  Wallowing is never good.  Especially when you are pretending to be happy.  Because pretending to be happy means that there is a chance you could grab just a small amount of it and treasure it; even if only for a little while.

For every moment that I think of depression, I think…. “Happy are we who are called to his supper.”  Is that God’s way of calling me to his supper?  Is he telling me that the darkness within will only engulf me if I dismiss the invite?  Isn’t it strange that whenever i’m going to give in to the darkness I have that to fall back on?

Whenever I think of depression and type it out so boldly for all to see,  I think… “my God.  This blog has happy colors!  Perhaps, I need to start looking for something in a nice shade of black…”