Grade 8 started and I was okay

I had friends and a routine and my life was just starting

But then I started feeling emotions that were different

And the light scratches started, only to experiment

I liked it

Highschool started and I fell in love

It was rough the first time, but I came through it

Guidance was futile and I hid it all away

Light scratches were a routine

But it doesn’t matter because I didn’t want to get in trouble

And then I fell harder in love again

And things were good again…

I worked hard and got what I wanted

But not emotionally…
I was depressed, but what does that “really” mean in high school?

Nothing… “Don’t be so dramatic Mina”

Emotionally abusive… but I didn’t care at the time

I wanted to be loved.

Cuts were habitual.

I didn’t know what I got myself into when I went into hiding

University started and things would never be the same

I did have the time of my life…

But things slowly went to hell

I abused myself time and time again

So many scars…

“Major depressive disorder” “borderline” “anxious”

What does this even mean?

I am classified in a mental center

And then released as I pretend to go along with their games

So that I can go back to living

So that I can commit myself to death

Only to fail

And instead I got “saved”

“You aren’t going to die today Mina” said the man in the uniform

Time spent in ICU and Homewood again…

But I was good at the game and got out again

There are a lot of things I’m ashamed of…

Like not being able to show my arms and wrists anymore

Long sleeves and sweaters are where its at

Like knowing people know that my smile is fake

Like laughing at the seriousness of my condition

Like indulging myself through impulses

But there are a lot of things I’ve experienced before…

I’ve never looked harder into a mirror before

I’ve never been so emotionally tired

Or mentally exhausted

I’ve never contemplated my surroundings so much

I’ve never cut so deep before

I never thought this would happen to me.

But it all did, and maybe it did for a reason?

Elementary ended

Secondary has been “forgotten”

University started

And lifes a bitch

But it’s okay

Because things are different this time

I think. I mean, they should be… right?