I used to want to be the best.  Then, for years, I didn’t know what I wanted – i just know I didn’t want what I had.  But, I at least I thought I knew where I belonged.  I don’t know much of anything these days, and I don’t know how to begin to sort it all out.  I make such bad choices.  I don’t know what I am doing.  There are such important things that I don’t say to the most important people in my life because I don’t want to damage anything between us.  I don’t want to say something that can’t be unsaid – I don’t want to rob myself of something important, but it’s all so much more complicated than I ever could have imagined.  Every part of my life is  so overwhelming – I’m not on top on anything that really matters.  I try.  I drag myself along – I try to take the tattered pieces of my life, and string them into something that you can wear out on the weekdays, but it’s all a bit much.  I don’t feel like a have a handle on anything.  I keep drinking frappacino’s and eating pizza.  I keep wondering where I am headed, but I feel very limited in terms of what I can actually do to course correct at the moment.  i know I have come a long way.  I don’t want to expect too much of myself.

But, I know I can do better than this.

At least, I think I can.

I have been making progress with my apartement – there’s a bunch left to do, but it’s come a long ass way.

My female friends tend to make plans, and then flake out.  Right now, it’s Anna, and I am pretty annoyed.

I am such a mess, today.  Crampy, achy, whiny, and generally in a crappy mood.  Hopefully, I will bounce back – we will see.

Yesterday, I helped an old lady who was pretty much blind get across a couple of streets, and find the store she was looking for.   That was my good deed for the day , I guess, but it struck me that this woman, who was having a lot of difficulty shouldn’t have been out without a companion or a helping dog – it’s such a shame that everyone who needs such help cannot get it.  So sad… 

Bought a sketch pen and pad and drew for about 40 minutes at a cafe – proved to myself that I am woefully out of practice with such things.  I need to check out a decent book, about drawing – like a refresher course.

Need to register for the discovery center classes I want to take, soon.  Maybe this weekend?

I could fall asleep, right now, but I must try to stay awake – my sleep cycle in screwy enough, and I hate the feeling of waking up, and realizing I missed out on a bunch of daylight activity (when other people are up and around, unlike the time I spend awake at 2am, or 4:30am).  Anyway, I need to try to unwind a bit – maybe even take a hot shower (if I do jump in the shower, Anna will immediately ring my doorbell, or call my phone, haha).

Hope everyone’s well.

"And you can use my skin

To bury secrets in

And I will settle you down"

– Fiona Apple "I Know"