My mood is disgusted & melancholy but those are not choices.  


It's been a weird one here at the Cambridge House. A cloud of aphids went up my nose when I went to harvest some basil for my bulk marinara. I've had these plants in the house since November and have never had a problem with anything more than fruit flies. I've never even had a problem w/ aphids in my outside garden. Okay, soap in the mister. I now have enough pasta sauce for a month. My French Clay & lavender soaps have warped from having too much water in the milling process and I'm out of olive oil. Neo, my neon tetra died this morning. I bought him 1 1/2 years ago making him the longest living inhabitant of Buddha's Zen Garden. What I have now are the fish I bought 3 months later to make The Myan Ruins tank and all of their progeny. A new aquarium enthusiast & one of my regular takers adopted something like 35-40 baby Mollies yesterday. The fish all seem revitalized & the Inca snail is moving faster than ever. I got a little manic today. I took a tooth brush to the stove. Man does it sparkle! My computer's been acting all geriatric & all my computer projects are staring at me in askance. The mania didn't last long so my laundry & dishes didn't get done. I haven't seen my therapist in a couple of weeks & I'm starting to wig out. I'm wondering if it has anything to do with separation anxiety, my abandonment issues. I get him in his internship as a part of my state run mental health care & he's leaving in June. I used to see him every week but then I got all arrogant thinking I was cured & above anyone's advice. "I'm wasting my time here" I said. I relocated him to mere pharmacologist. Then I started missing appointments. I used to feel guilty & was all contrite then it just turned into resignation & self-loathing. I feel so useless today. Then tonight, I watched a documentary on a film made back in '41-'42 about a ghetto in Warsaw called A Film Unfinished. I've always been fascinated w/ Hitler & man's inhumanity to man & I always thought the History Channel & other popular media are depthless & generally sweeping, not really giving the whole story. This movie gave me the grit & horror I'd always wanted on a whole new level. It makes me wonder how dense is my dark side. This w/ Japan, the economy & Klaus having to take a pay cut I just broke down in tears. I got drunk & had angry sex w/ my boyfriend.


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