~ Please be patient because this is my first time doing this. I’m sorry to the actually bloggers because this probably isn’t a real blog lol. ~

 

I expected my last year of High School to be better than it has gone. I tried to kill myself in July, another failed attempted. It got better though marching band came along and things felt good. I met a girl. For the first time ever I questioned my sexual; maybe questioned isn’t the right word. I accepted it. I always knew I had an attraction to girls. But this girl empflied that. I fell head over heels for her. To bad the first girl I loved was toxic. She was abusive and a used my  infatuation  towards her against me. She hurt me emotionally. My first summer love came to a halt in the fall. Things got gloomy after that. I guess the numbness allowed me not to feel as much. Loss of feeling isn’t always bad. I enjoyed being numb. And it felt great I’ve been numb until yesterday. A couple days I vented to my guy friend. It felt good. I always found him attractive , and now I have a tiny crush on him. I don’t want to say I’m head over heels but I am crushing. I don’t enjoy it at all. I would say I’m pretty but no one finds me attractive, so this is only going to end in heart break lol. Anyway I talked to him and it felt so good. I hadn’t talked to anyone about my feelings in months. I should have kept it that way. It was nice though while it lasted. The numbness that is. I think I’m falling for him because of how caring and considerate he is. I would take the numbness anyday. God this feeling hurts. The feeling of pain, and sadness sucks. I’m always being walked over, always the second choice and I hate it. I’ll be fine though. This actually made me feel better. I’m glad I found this site. Till next time :))

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