I don't know…I don't know…but I'm worried, because at the moment, I think I'm feeling the most down that I have felt in a while….and of course, feeling this way makes me fearful that it could be leading to a bigger "down", the version of hell that I went through from approx May '09 up until about the middle of last year…guess that will always have to be a concern anytime I feel down, that it could always strike again….anyway, got to focus on the moment…feeling down, and my instincts told me to blog about it–maybe telling me that will make me feel better….

So what could it be?….All I know is that I'm at the Goodwill place where I'm mainly supposed to be on here to look for jobs, and I'm not feeling an urge to do it,, so I got to get to the bottom of this…..is it that the holidays are over? I don't celebrate Christmas, not back from any kind of a vacation, New Year's Eve sucked, so why in the hell should I be down that the holidays are over?…Oh btw, I realized something this morning–had a bit of a "revelation" if you will: I finally figured out why I hate cleaning so much even though I do care about my place when it is a mess:  there's something about cleaning that gets me depressed! How f***ked up is that?!?….Is it that the time of the year when the best movies come out is over and now we get into January-February, the time of the year when the worst movies come out?…..is it that I just need a cup of coffee(freaking 15cents short of being able to get one at the concession machine at the moment. And no, it's not that I'm THAT broke! It's just that I rarely ever have cash on me–I use my ATM card most of the time, and as a result, I pretty much have nothing but pennies as far as any kind of change lurking around in the faux change bin in my car or whereever)….Is it The Girl and the fact that it looks like the possibility that it's not going to lead to anything afterall has got me down? Well my instincts already told me what to do to fight off the possibility of that sending me into a potentially devastating relapse: just go into self-imposed exile from Facebook for about one week and she'll gradually disappear from my mind since that's the only place where I've had any contact with her, so just planning on going on there one more time today to finish a conversation I've been having with a friend on there(and Facebook unfortunately is my only means of communication right now as well with said friend)…

Is it  a couple of major of financial worries that's getting to me, ie worrying if my landlord will once again allow me to pay my rent late this month w/out charging me for late fees, worrying that the agency that I applied to for help in paying my electric bill is going to turn me down, or not get to my case in time, etc . and that I might not have any electricity in the next couple of weeks?….all of the above?….I don't know….but hopefully writing about it on here will somehow help. Guess it remains to be seen.


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