Ok I seem to be blogging a lot lately. Not sure if it’s good or bad nor why I want to.

Today there is something I want to say. It’s stupid, childish and completely pointless; however I’m sure we have all had moments thinking this. I am much to embarassed to say this into a room full of chatters, but I really do need to get this out.

So… Why? There. Why me? Why this? Why does it keep going and not get better? Why am I getting worse? Just so many whys… WHY! I want to scream and cry and just say that its not fair over and over. I guess I’m lapseing back into being a teen again or something. This really isn’t like me. For those who know me I’m the type of person who’s views are along the lines of "Take what life throws at you and make the best of it". But I don’t want to make the best of it. I want life to throw good things at me now. Lol. Very childish. I do know bettwe than being like this so I’m really not sure why this sudden lapse in personality.

Today I went to the psychiatrist. Do you want to know the first thing she asked? My jaw just dropped and dear gawd were her qusetions ever stupid. Question 1) So tell me about yourself. My response was "What do you want to hear?" Of COURSE you don’t ask someone with anxiety and personal issues to just up and spill their issues at you! No ones going to respond to that! Was an instant face-palm moment right there. A question later on in teh session.  2) So are there any other past things you think are affecting you?  WTF?! Aren’t they supposed to be figureing that out? If I KNEW what was affecting me I’d be able to work it out inside my head and make sense of everything. SOOOOooo there goes my faith in psychiatrists, out the window with faith in doctors and psychologist long ago. 

So one again I ask…. WHY!? Why can’t there be intelligent people out there who are capable of helping me? I know I’m not all that screwed up. My past "traumas" are nothing compared to most people in here. I mean I grew up a bit of an outcast but thats it! Nothing of trouble at all! And here I am with depression, anxiety and OCD. And according to this questionnaire thingy… my anxiety is at the level of extreme to constant panic. Do I seem like I’m in constant panic? Sure I may be in a constant state of feeling shakeing and SURE my right half of my body went tingly from stress today BUT I still function. I still go to classes and learn stuff and write papers and go to my lab and do my research. As a matter of fact only one person in this fricken province even knows I have problems and that’s because I told her by mistake. SO once again. I ask WHY! DAMNIT! WHY! WHY can’t I just be normal? I’m not screwed from past things, nothing bad has ever happened. Yes my brother does have schizo but I was on medication and screwed up before he started acting really weird or anything. I’m sick of being screwed up already, I don’t like having to keep things secret, I’m TIRED of alway worrying about what’s going on inside everyone else’s heads and trying to get three steps ahead.

I feel a littler better now. But at the same time I’m more worked up. If that makes any sense. I really dont’ want to cause trouble for people on here or other wise. So please don’t worry about me. I will always be fine and troop along like I have been. I try very hard not to dump my problems on anyone else and I will continue so; please don’t feel I am asking for help because I’m not. Don’t feel obligated to reply nor post anything. As a matter of fact if you’ve read all this I’m sorry for wasting your time on my pointless natter and venting.

Lots of love guys

Rachie