"survivor's guilt"–that's not an official 'diagnoses' but it is how i think of it.

i lived, basically, motel hopping….running scared….dying inside–mourning my motherhood and needing my children. i was 'out there' for a pretty long time. it, of course, finally got the best of me and i landed in county jail. my beloved parents were scared for me…hurt for me…and at the same time shamed and disappointed. i spend the longest amt of time in jail (not the 1st time there, though)…i was there for four months. about 2 months in, i commited myself to getting clean. i finally found the humility to admit my sins and the strength to try something new. while i was locked up my soulmate moved…his parents admitted him into a recovery house in a town over 100 miles away. my parents picked me up on the day i got out and, after a stop to see my dying grandmother, they drove me the 100 miles and i stepped forward and admitted i had a problem. —skipping to *now*, cause this is already more detailed than i meant it to be—

we are about to come up on our 3rd year here (and clean). i have all i need and most of what i want….things are "good". my parents are SO proud of me now. i never go hungry…i'm never physically or mentally abused (which is new to me) YET……i feel guilty. guilty to have ANYTHING when i don't have my kids. Guilt b/c it's so soon (kinda) that i have gotten myself together…that it doesn't REALLY matter since I cannot share my life with my children. Also, i feel guilty of leaving my friends behind and sad knowing that i most likely will NEVER see them again and I have so many cherished friends from that life. i check in often to the online version of the newspaper back home. not wanting to see my friends die or get arrested but to see how they are…how they look..-i even have a collection of mugshot pictures of my friends that i got from either the dept o' corrections or the county jail. i sometimes think of where they are and wondering what they're doing and i'm so saddened that there's, like, a 99% chance that if they are NOT locked up..they are still doing the same thing over and over. "surviving" out there..stuck in the cycle… get money-get dope-get money-get more.. i feel gulty b/c i know i am NO better than any of them and they have so little and in comparison i have so much.

i honestly miss it…..the life. it kept me busy (LOL)…kept me more numb, clouded the pain w/ smoke…i was somewhat miserable and that made me feel better.WoW…that's a weird statement. but it's accurate.

OK— can't phrase anything more right now. thanks