She’ll think about it.

…and that’s something.  That’s enough for right now.  It’s a chance to keep going on my end, and to show just how serious I am about this.

Make no mistake – I am serious – more serious than anything I can remember in my life.

This is my life, and I’ve been floating through it aimlessly until now, with my eyes closed.  I’ve just about lived by the 80% rule… in that an “80% solution” is good enough for nearly everything in life.  Want to go somewhere new?  Get yourself 80% of the way there, and then check the map again for that last 20%.  Want to clean something?  Get the big 80% section done first, and then take your time on the other 20%.   And honestly… many times it is a great way to do things…. but knowing when to use the rule, and when to go all-in and give 100% to a single thing… that’s the important thing that I’ve been missing.

My eyes are open now.  I am awake.

“…but you’re manic right now”

Well, yeah.  Yeah I am.
I could definitely do without the panic attacks, the random crying, and the lack of ability to concentrate like I normally would.  Yeah, I’m manic…. and I believe it’s a direct result of realizing just how awful I’ve been.  That sick feeling in the pit of your stomach, when you feel like you’ve made a massive mistake.  I have that in spades.

I hope the mania passes soon, so that I can continue getting better.  So that I can continue the positive change.  So that I can show her that I’ve changed.

….but I just need the chance.