I had been playing spider solitaire again, late into the night. Causing me to not have enough sleep and bad breath. The difference is I don’t feel so bad this time. I can see that it is my coping mechanism. I felt low, out of place, unwelcome by others, I just needed something to escape. I can see that clearly. I always felt that my presence is pungent. Something that others wanted to rid of and I do it on my own. I removed myself from social interactions so that people would not be affected by me. In that isolation, I felt lonely… more of fear. I am afraid that I do not have a place on earth. I am afraid that I will be throw out of the world, left out alone. By hiding, I believed that at least I can secure the place on earth, no one notices me, so no one will throw me out. At least I can stay. I think I wanted to live.

I think this is my line of thought. But now I think, I am coming to 50. I own my own house, no one can throw me out. In social interactions, there are times when people would dislike me. They would have to bear with me. They cannot throw me out. I do not want to be dislike, but there are things beyond me. The ability to tolerate others is expected, it is basic. Because everyone has a right to live. And I do have my contributions, life is fun because everyone is different, by tolerating me, they see more things and become more compassionate, they enjoy life more. It is to their advantage that they tolerate me. So dare to be there. Exist on earth.

There will be times where the fear will still strike me. And I would want to escape. Just forget the fear. I would like to try other means instead of playing spider solitair. I find it not productive. Even though the urge is constantly there, I want to go for some comfort, I just want to give myself so joy. But is this joy that is really good for me? I think I want to face and write. Write down all thoughts at that moment. That might be a more effective means than playing spider solitaire. I am writing this down, hoping that next time when I wanted to play spider solitaire, I would choose instead to write. Write a blog, face the fear squarely. Hopefully it will increase my ability to manage my fear.

I believed thoughts create actions. I hoped by writing down, it has a higher possibility of happening. So next time, when fear strikes, I would like to write a blog instead of playing spider solitaire. Thanks for reading.

I really liked the wellness tree activity, and I do notice that sometimes a flora is given to me. Anyone know why is there a flora. I did not complete any task or assignment. Why did the flora come from no where? Thanks.