Hey all,

It's getting worse. The ROCD (if its that). I feel like I'm falling in love with my student. He's at least 4 years younger than me, he buys me little gifts, he tells me I'm beautiful, I'm wildly attracted to him, but I know that he's anything but right for me. I know he would hurt me, and HE'S MY STUDENT. It started with him last semester, then I thought I would be rid of him and these confusing feelings would go away…but then he found a way to take an independent study with me…and here we are. I know I have feelings for him and I'm pretty sure he has feelings for me too, but I'm engaged…to someone I've been with for 5 years and we now have our date set for this coming August. I'm SO SCREWED…I ruminate about everything around the clock, into my dreams. Sleep isn't even an escape anymore. I dream about him. Then I ruminate all day about whether or not I should leave Eric, my fiance…I found myself yelling, "SHUT UP!" to myself when I'm alone in the house, or driving….I can't breathe and no one in my life can help me…I havn't told Eric any of this. We've been having some issues-nothing huge, but he is depressed himself because he hates his job, and he also has bipoloar disorder, which comes out during times of stress, so when we're together, it gets uncomfortable and quiete because he's suffering with his pain and I'm suffering with mine…and I can't get him to talk about his. He refuses to really open up…and me? Well I can't tell him,"Eric, I'm feeling torn here because I'm afraid that I'm falling in love with my student and now I don't know if I should leave you for him and live in a garage with his parents." I'm so lost and I want to punish myself for being like this. Whenever someone says, "Well Jess, maybe you really don't love eachother.," that HITS me. It hurts and I can feel my stomache tighten into a knot..and then I feel sick. I've been contempating suicide again. More than usual. I'm not saying this to get attention, I'm just trying to be open. I'm so scared and I'm horrified that I'll make the wrong decision, whatever I choose to do. I don't want to know what happens. I don't want to be in this body anymore, not right now. I've thought of taking my car at night, when Eric is asleep, and just driving away somewhere. Maybe stay over at a hotel somewhere for a few nights and leave my phone at home, so I can feel invisible. I don't know what to do and my mother, my best friend, my other friends, and my fiacne cannot help me out of this one. I don't know if I need to think about commiting myself to a hospital somewhere . I'm trying to start my career, and going to grad school….I don't want to ruin my life. I just want to hide.