I miss writing, and articles online tell me to write about my feelings. Because they’re blocking me from thinking about anything else.

Things haven’t been too bad lately. I have a beautiful girlfriend, even though she doesn’t live here. I feel such a connection to her. We write poetry about each other, have deep life conversations late on FaceTime and she makes me laugh when I can’t even crack a smile at the sun. There’s more pros than cons about this relationship right now, but my brain can’t help going to that place called Worse Case Scenario and tripping on a trail of What If’s. I shouldn’t think so much, I need to learn to quiet my mind. She understands anxiety and depression and we talk about our fears. But when the music stops and her voice fades the intrusive thoughts come in.

It might not be a good time to start a relationship, but I think she’s worth it. I can’t imagine my life without her right now, but I’m not naive enough to think we’re the exception and are gonna get married. But I do know she’s going to be someone I remember when I’m old and grey, talking to my grandchildren about my soulmate. How we were torn apart by distance and circumstance but still tried to make it work.

There’s been more drama with my mom’s boyfriend. I love my mom to death, but I just want to knock some sense into her. The inner feminism in me screams at her that she doesn’t need a man to look after her. She’s perfectly capable of being an independent woman, but I kind of get that she doesn’t want to be alone. Then again, I would’ve kicked him to the curb already.

He’s a loud and obnoxious man. My mom liked to remind me that I’ve never liked any of her boyfriends, and that would be true. All of them were abusive somehow; my father was physical and emotional, Mike had diabetes and fetal alcohol syndrome, and this one…has a bad temper and makes a mountain out of a mole hill. I will always defend my mom.

When he says to her “Are you beautiful, or do you look like shit like you always do?” I completely lose it. When he texts me “You better be grateful for all I do, you and your mom will never get out of the apartment if it isn’t for me. You’re a brat and I don’t think I can live with you anyway, so you’re basically ruining your mom’s life.”

I show my mom the messages, and she gets upset at me for being snarky. She says she understands, says he’s not good with teenagers. Why is he texting me anyway? That man doesn’t do anything for us, my mom is the one who works her ass off and has to clean and cook for him. And he calls me selfish? I don’t understand why it’s so important to him for me to be a part of their relationship. I have no want or need to talk to him, but if I don’t there will be hell to pay.

I don’t understand why she’s still with him if he’s rude to me. One time I told her she deserves better and she yelled at me. I guess and struck a nerve. She needs to go back to counselling, but I doubt she will. She’s busy all the time, mostly running errands for her boyfriend.

I don’t know if anyone is gonna read this. Probably not. I just needed to rant.