Insanity is doing, thinking and acting the same way over and over again and expecting different results. By definition I am insane in every way. I guess that sucks, but then again I'm trying harder not to worry about what I can not control. For example, my dreams. I still dream of Kyle frequently. We are almost always friends in my dreams. Sometimes we get back together, sometimes we don't. But here's the really weird part: in the dreams that we don't get back together I am ok. I'm not devastated like I am in real life. I deal with it somehow and move on. Weird, I guess… but it is what I WISH I could do. I wish I could just find closure.

I found closure in other relationships in the past –even ones that really hurt me– but that was very long ago, I was very young and I still had hope back then. MaybeI can't let go of him because I have no hope anymoreand because Kyle is the age that I wish I was (instead of having pissed my life away…) I think that's what makes it harder to let go of him. He's everything I want to be, except I don't want to be MALE,but I digress. He's talented, good looking, sociable, strong, and yes, very young.

Natalie Portman is engaged to and pregnant with a dance choreographer's kid. Ha, people used to laugh at Kyle for being a male dancer (right before he beat them up) but all along I think his goal is to marry someone as beautiful and talented as Natalie Portman. Let's face it, that is NOT me. I guess I was dumb trying to date Kyle and I'm paying for it with whatever's left of my life. It's a shame I have to pay, though. I really meant no harm by it. I really thought I'd found someone special.

I think of the letter I sent every day. It's been months now. I wonder if he laughed at it, or just simply threw it away.


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