I’m worthless, pathetic, weak, dumb, ugly, selfish, and narrow-minded. These are only some of the words that go through my mind on a daily basis, and these are some of the nicer ones. Some of the people I talk to keep saying it’s not true, but to be honest, they’re probably lying. As I’m typing this, I’m wondering if they would find this… I doubt it though.

Here’s some proof that I’m selfish. It was 12 in the morning, and I couldn’t sleep. So I texted my boyfriend, and we texted for a while, and then called for a bit. When he told me he had to leave, I began to tear up and ended the call early so that he wouldn’t hear me cry. Yeah, I know, crying because your boyfriend had to go is pathetic. Then he texted and asked if there was stuff I wanted to talk about. Everyone knows the correct answer would be “No, I’m fine! You should go to bed, hon =)” etc. Clearly, my selfishness got in the way, and I didn’t say that. Instead, I simply said “no” and hoped that he would ask again if I was sure. Thinking back, I feel so guilty to have thought that way… I’m just glad I had enough sense to not say anything at the time and actually let him log off.

I hate it when I look into mirrors. Whenever I see them, I just try to avert my eyes so that I don’t accidentally blind myself or break the mirror with my hideousness. I feel bad for anyone who just happens to look my way. All the popular girls either think I’m disgusting or just pitiful. No matter how much I try, facial creams and different scrubs and all, my skin can never be as clear as everyone else’s. I used to take pride in the darkness and size of my eyes despite the Asian stereotype of small eyes, but now I feel like my eyes are just a normal shade of brown, and no one really cares.

The reason I say I’m stupid even though I got straight A’s this year is that if I wasn’t, my parents would be proud of me for a change, I would know how to balance their happiness and mine and still make everything work out, I would know how to fix things myself instead of having to rely on people to listen to me and heal me, and I would actually know how to be normal. But I don’t know how to do any of these things. What I really do is just watch what people do, try to remember how they do it, and mirror it. People laugh at a certain joke, so I do too. People cry at a certain story, so I try to too. People wear a certain style, and I try to fit in as well. But it’s hard, always copying people and hoping that you got it right. One slip up, and everything goes down the drain.

I’m always scared of something. I’m weak. I’m scared of rejection, abandonment, being alone, thunder, and so much more. All my “friends” (or whatever that certain group of people are… I don’t know if I have the right to call them that) have a few fears, like the normal ‘darkness’ or ‘heights’ or something. Then I’m here with like 12 different fears…

Outside, I’m always wearing a mask, and I really wish I was as strong and brave and cunning as my mask looks, but underneath, I don’t even know what’s there. When you wear a mask for so long, you forget who you were beneath it. I don’t remember who I am without my mask. All I know is that I’m weak, pathetic, stupid…