So, today’s been super nice. I started themorning spending itwith caterpillars and butterflies, had brunch at a local cafe, wroteand had caffeine at another, (after a bit of thrift shopping, of course)and I will be visitinga punk-artgallery, after I’m done writing at this cafe. Playing the part of thesilent girl, sitting next tothe window, writing stories in her laptop… does this make me half-hipster? Lol.
Well, I’m happy to report my stress levels have significantly lowered and I’m being able to cope with life better than before. I sent my father the “no contact” renewal letter and he wrote back but I didn’t open it. Just put it in anemail folder I have designated for all the stuff he and his wife have sent me after I told them not to write to me. I told him this is exactly what I would do but he wrote anyway. Confirmation, to me, that he still hasn’t changed when it comes to respecting my requests. Not ideal but it shows I made the right choice.
I’ve been having therapy with this intern named Emily that I believe I mentioned before. She’s super nice and has a background dealing with abused children so she can spot when I’m acting in a Stockholm-y pattern but with compassionand that helps. I wish she wasn’t so wet behind the ears with some stuff. Last session I ended up revealing much more than I ever thought I would and giving her a list of things and terms to research so she could undesratnd me better. Things I knew I hadto reveal to Monique too, the previous therapist, but didn’t because of her being Catholic, along with some of her reactivity and sympathetic alliance with my mother. I’m supossed to return to Monique in June or July but I really think I might just keep Emily because even though she’s still learning some things, at least she believes me when I say I am fragmented inside and is willing to work with my old traumatologist, in order to better help me and continue my healing.
At home, everything’s chill. I LOVE I’m furthest away from the staff office, at the residential living facility. They bother us less. My room’s been easier to keep organized. This is huge for me, the ex-hoarder. I’ve started re-playing Final Fantasy X, which I played when I was a teen but never finished. Began learning the ukelele. Now one of my neighbor friends, Al, comes over at night to practice playing guitar with the one I have. It’s nice. Sometimes I wanna hold onto him. He’s so soft and cuddly. It’s just hard because I think I’m honestly starved for affection but I don’t want to lead him on or anything like that. I think about it sometimes but I know better.
I’m a lesbian. I love women. You know how you could probably get sexual stimulation with someone but not have a long-term,emotionally intimate relationship? That’s how I feel about some very rare & select few guys. The rest of the male population doesn’t even turn me on. I see them as brothers, truly and I hate telling this to other guys because then they try to “convert me” and it’s annoying as fuck.So, unless these specific few rarities of select men I findwant an eff-buddy relationship, only, I don’t really see how it’d be apropriate for me to act on theimpulse to have sexwith a guy much of ever. I’ve had a transgender girlfriend and a cisgender one already. The transgender was before transition too, so I feel like I’ve tried a bit of both and with the cis woman, it just clicked. I’m meant to be with a girl. It’s just been so long since I’ve been in a relationship, I think a part of me is starting to not care where I get affection from, as long as they respect me. Is that weird?Maybe I just need to attend a cuddle party. Have some general, non-sexual, loving human touch. Heh. This Oxytocin depravation isserious!
On other news, I tried a job, at a convenience store deli a few days ago. Did a great job. Proud of myself. Cooked, cleaned, swept, mopped, fried stuff, made sandwhiches and deviled egges, asalad and overlooked a steam lunch station while washing dishes and cleaning a whole kitchen. That is BIG, for me. So I’m proud but ashamed I had to re-evaluate and quit that same day because by the end of it, my back was in so stiff/hurt and I knew my knee was not gonna have it, along with my nerves, before the week was done. I’m now looking for English to Spanish translation jobs and focusing on producing art for the end of every month, to participate in the arts and craft vendor expo our Art Village has. I can’t do anything that requires long hours of standing and honestly, although I did good that day, I know my OCD would have kicked in some days more than others and I hated the idea I had to force myself to pretend all of that work didn’t overwhelm or make me nervous while performing in front of everyone, with a smile, pretending I was fine. Too much too soon. I need to be realistic.
It’s hard to admit I need to go slower than I thought I would. But then again, I’ve been trying to accept this fact for quite some time, since I began dealing with the CPTSD. It is what it is. At least I can see I need to take care of myself better and do things that bring me peace and joy. That this is ok and not a luxury but a need and that the critical voices and introjects in my brain, saying “you’re being a brat” & “grow the fuck up”, are exactly that, projections of people who are not in my shoes, don’t fight my battles nor understand exactly what I’m going through. So, for now I write, paint, sing, play, meditate and take it easy, as much as I can. If it will save me and get me to where I need to be, then so be it. H8trs gonna h8t and that’s supossed to be none of my business. ;)!
I hope you are doing well, you who read this. If you’re not doing well, I hope it gets better for you soon and that you know you are loved, supported and wished well. You are NOT alone. It can get better. I have hope it will. I hope you do too.
I like that the biggest nuisance right now is having to go to the AA/NA meetings that are mandatory in my residential facility, rather than all the ridiculous crap I had to deal with before. I’ve gotten better at getting through them. Admittedly with a drink, here and there, or distracting myself via phone or day dreaming but if it gives me a roof, I’ll suck it up. It could be much worse and it has been.
Hope you have a good weekend! Take care, fellow warrior. Love, always, Alex.