Wow.. that is the beginning of every thought that is about the session. My new therapist is right for this chapter in my life. I know that this was not chance, but an encounter guided my Him.

She let me talk.. and talk.. and talk. Then, she asked questions and then listened. I know that is how is supposed to be, but since that is never how it happens, I am shocked. I like her. She gave me an off work order till tuesday, to recover from the physical problems manifested from the stress I have been under at work.

Until this recent "event". I didn't feel the need to research OCD. It has been a part of me since I was very little, quited possibly all my life. It would be like thinking… I have brown hair, I wonder why? And going to find out all the reasons for my hair color. It has always been something I have lived with, and until recently, I have develpoed adequate coping mechanisms to live and thrive with it. Until recently…

I have developed ticks related to my stress level. This has been hard for me. I have always been able to hide the OCD, and now, I have to explain why I have these ticks. I overestimated my co workers ability to be compasionate. I thought, silly me, that when I did have to tell them, that they would be curious, but that it would not change how they treated me. I was so wrong. I counted many of these people as friends.. I guess this is a good way to find out who the friends are and who are erased from the list. So, the stigma of mental illness is alive and well in the world.. at least at the YMCA where I work.

So, This will count as my fork in the road… This time, I took the right path. I feel great about my new therapist and I hope I can continue to afford to see her. From now on, I will take care of me. I will plant seeds, watch them grow, flourish. I will love my animals, cherrish my kid, stay active in my community.. I will not let let the OCD take any of that away.

  1. Kona 11 years ago

    Good for you finding a therapist that listens to you, asks a few questions, and then listens again.  I had that therapist for about 6 years or so and then she decided to retire, good for her, bad for me.  That was 2 years ago and I'm still searching for a therapist that could be half the therapist she was and one like you found.  I do see a therapist; however, with my insurance I go to a "teaching" school clinic and so I get the third and fourth year students.  I have had OCD all of my life and diagnosed properly about 20 years ago.  Needless to say, they are book smart, but not down to earth, hands on smart when it comes to OCD.  Take care and I hope you can continue to see her for as long as you want or  need.  I will continue to search for one.

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  2. Ashling 11 years ago

    Ticking is such a nuisance >_< I used to do this (still do sometimes) and you're right, not everyone is understanding. Sorry to hear about your friends/co-workers O_o 

    For me, researching OCD and treatment options was crucial to learning to handle it. I hope learning more about it will help you too.

    It's great that you've found a therapist you click with ^_^ Best of luck!



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  3. consumed 11 years ago

    Thanks Ashling. I am so overwhelmed by the support and friendly people here inth eTribe. I am researching my OCD everyday. I love to research, funny how I never thought to research me! How did your ticking subside? I am curious to know. Mine has been pretty continuous in some form since the incident..

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  4. Ashling 11 years ago

    Mine subsided when my anxiety decreased. I ticked/twitched in reaction to bad thoughts, the way one might flinch watching a horror film. Because it was an immediate reaction, rather than deliberate response, I couldn't really tackle the problem directly. There was simply no time to think it through or calm myself down.


    The indirect solution was to lower my overall anxiety and get used to the obsessive thoughts. Meditation was tremendously helpful for me. I'd sit and be mindful of my breath and do my best to simply be aware of the thoughts without judging them. I paid close attention to how obsessive thoughts brought tension to my shoulders and constricted my breath. When that happened, I deliberately relaxed my shoulders and breathing and this helped to calm me down somewhat. It didn't always work! But with practice, I grew better at it. 


    Simply observing my thoughts gave me a different way to interact with them. I always told myself that I could judge them/respond compulsively after I was finished meditating. Over time, the compulsive urge began to fade before the meditation ended. The ticking/twitching subsided as I used the same mindfulness in daily life.


    To return to the horror film analogy, if you've seen a film plenty of times, it becomes predictable and stops being frightening. We tend to assume that obsessive thoughts must be the same. After all, we think them ALL THE TIME. But how often do we really take an honest look at them?  

    I think we're naturally so averse to them (because they're frightening, embarrassing, anxiety inducing, etc.) that it's like closing our eyes in the scary bits of the film. The film never gets less frightening because we're so averse to watching the scary parts. When we open our eyes and watch them, they're still awful, but if we seem them enough, we stop flinching.


    Sorry for such a long response >_< I imagine meditation isn't the only way to do this, it's just what worked for me. I think the key is to face your obsessions in an environment where you feel relatively relaxed and safe. Perhaps for you, that might be in your garden. Hope this helps!  

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  5. consumed 11 years ago

    Your right, it is my garden. My therapist put me off work till Tuesday, so I have been in the garden a lot. I know I am almost back to normal(for me). I just hope that it will be enough so that when I go back to work, I will not get anxiety as quickly. I think I will try meditation. It sounds so peaceful..

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