She sits in the cool breeze on a spring night. Listening to her own rushing heart beat as the blood flows through her. Breathing becoming heavy and trying to silence her voices. Out of no where they meet up, and for a second time stood still. Not in the way where you see on movies because the love of your life has just past by brushing up against your shoulder. No, it is the kind where evil feels like it is lurking and your heart sinks in fear. You lose every once of air in your body and for a moment you are frozen. Crippling, nerve shaking fear. She now has to gain composure because no one knows the child left in the inner box banging and searching for a way out. Who really cares who would listen. See this is a life cycle learned at young age and even if you have learned to open up and let loose there will always be that little girl trying to get out of a bigger box.

Now fast forward into her life and she seeks for the perfect cookie cutter family that she hopes. Always told herself I will not let my family become the family I was raised in. That same girl again lost her voice. Never really searching for a lover but figured it would help. Always doubting if he was the one for here but with him so sure of himself she just went on ahead about it. He didn’t listen to what she kept saying and she should of just stood her ground. Her heart and love was with another and a sex toy is all she sees herself. My first actual love was with a women but not in the way you think. It was she had my heart and I couldn’t live without.

This pretty much sums up as easily as can be how I feel most times. sure it sounds sappy but I have a great husband and 2 boys. I often times don’t think I can go any longer with this type of life style. I sometimes feel like I am forsaking myself. My heart is still with her but I chose this person whether it be 100 percent or not. I didn’t choose him because I was dead set on him but because he is willing to fight for our marriage and never judged me for my failures. I sometimes feel like I’m suffocating and have to pretend to be deeply in love. I don’t know yet what is more important..my religious views and family value or where my heart is. What ever we choose in life, do it. Be fully committed…I just need to figure out if I am fully committed or not

 

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